I have limited knowledge when it comes to cars. One thing that I did learn early on as a kid was to never let my older brother work on my cars. He was very skilled at taking things apart, but putting things back together, not so much.

Vehicles I’ve owned during my lifetime have had nearly every mechanical problem imaginable. I’ve had cars with no brakes, no turn signal, no reverse gear, no heat, no oil, and no gas. Thankfully, not all at once, at least not yet.

I’m certain that most people out there who have been around for a while have had their share of similar problems or even worse.

The one vehicle bugaboo that consistently continues to plague me is dead car battery issues. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had a vehicle suck the life out of its battery like a vampire only to have it remarkably come back to life like a zombie after I take certain steps, steps I’ve always been reluctant to take.

Naturally, as a kid I took the usual car battery care steps like cleaning the terminals and connectors with baking soda and water using a toothbrush then applying Vaseline. But I did not like doing it.

The fact is I’m terrified of car batteries. Ever since I touched both battery terminals simultaneously with some pliers, causing a large spark, a terminal to partially melt, and my dental fillings to glow in the dark, I’ve been a bit squeamish around them.

I mean, what’s the first thing you see printed in bright colors on your car battery after raising the hood? “Danger/Poison” “Explosive Gases” “Can Cause Blindness/Severe Burns.” Yikes!

Then there’s the challenge of following directions to connect the jumper cables to batteries, which I don’t believe I have ever correctly done my entire life since I’m fairly sure some jokester keeps changing the directions. Besides, attaching black to black and red to red is a crapshoot since my vehicle engines have been historically so filthy and grungy that every cable, wire and hose is black.

Add to that the fact that the nuts and bolts holding the battery cables secure to the terminals invariably appear to have permanently mated to the point that nothing in my extensive tool kit consisting of a screwdriver, pliers, and duct tape has any hope of loosening them.

Due to my history of fear and frustration with car batteries, I can’t help but be skeptical after hearing President Biden’s recently expressed optimism about electric cars, cars which get all their power from (shudder) batteries!

First of all, these so-called EVs or all-electric cars, which do not use any gasoline since all their power comes from a battery, do not even call a battery a battery. Leading EV manufacturer Tesla, for example, calls its car battery the Energy Storage System, which sounds more like it belongs on a NASA space rocket than in my garage.

And it’s not just the name of Tesla’s car battery which freaks me out, it’s the weight. You know how heavy a regular car battery is, right? I tell you, my back starts aching just thinking about lifting one out of the car.

But ponder this: a Tesla Energy Storage System (i.e., battery) is roughly the size of a car’s storage trunk and weighs about 900 pounds! Good Lord, I’d have to rent a crane truck to lift it so I could clean its terminals with a toothbrush, baking soda and water.

Even worse is the fact that if the old lead-acid DieHard-type battery explodes, it simply gives you sort of a Freddy Krueger makeover. But when a lithium-ion EV battery explodes, injuries can be “catastrophic.”

One source estimates that your odds of a lithium battery fire are about 1 in 10 million. Sounds good, until you consider that the total number of electric cars on the world's roads soon will surpass 20 million, sooo….

I talked earlier about what a hassle it is to have my car battery die. But at least if that happens with a regular battery, it only happens while the car is stationary. And you can often jumpstart it with cables to get going again.

But what happens if an electric car’s Energy Storage System dies… on a city freeway… while in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic… surrounded by semi-trucks…all going 70 mph? The short and simple answer is THE CAR WILL STOP.

That’s it. The car just suddenly dies and stops moving. And there you are sitting in the middle of the freeway with a car containing 900 pounds of dead battery, waiting for a tow truck because jump-starting it could be “catastrophic,” and the dang radio won’t even work. Whoop-de-doo!

Now, you may think that I am exaggerating. You may say, “Mike, how could this possibly happen to my $100,000 car?” The reason this can happen is quite simple. Computer software controls every function in an electric car: the battery, the motor, the brakes, lights, everything.

And if your experience with computers over the years has been like mine, well, surely you’ve learned that if you team up a computer with anything, especially with a 900-pound Energy Storage System, something can go wrong — and at the worst possible moment.

Mike Murphy of Pocatello is an award-winning columnist whose articles are syndicated by Senior Wire. He published a book titled “Tortoise Crossing – Expect Long Delays,” which is a collection of 100 of his favorite columns. It is available on Amazon.com.

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